Dark Paradise
by PartHeart
Summary: 'If you love someone enough they never leave you anyway…You learn to live with their absence and you move on.' Joseph Byrne's death shatters Jac Naylor's icy facade and she's left stumbling to pick up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

_Something was wrong, very wrong. Something she feared she would never be able to put right. Once again she'd messed everything up but this time it seemed the pieces would no longer go back together. There was no coming back from this. _

Jac Naylor didn't often find the time to allow herself to think about the situation she'd landed herself in. For the most part she was glad, rushing from operations to meetings and meetings to operations kept her placated, if not content. As she sat down on the edge of her bed she allowed a soft sigh to leave her mouth. She did not like evenings such as these. Her shift had finished hours ago but to her dismay plenty of hours remained in the day which equated to an unreasonable lump of thinking time.

She glanced at her watch and quickly registered the time: 15:32. There was only so much to keep herself occupied within the plain walls of her minimalist flat. Sooner or later _he _would drift into her thoughts and she'd be forced to deal with the consequences. She shook her head angrily and pushed herself up onto her feet, pacing around in a tight circle as she attempted to postpone the inevitable.

She'd chosen this. Her life was this way as a direct result of her decisions, she had no right to the sentiment which yearned, the tears which threatened to fall. _God she missed him! _She'd stumbled across the news by accident, a small part of her was glad that it had happened this way. If the Professor had been the once to break the news then she wouldn't have granted the solitary tear which she'd allowed to escape. She sat back on the bed and scoffed critically, this was foolish. It had been years since they'd last gazed into each other's eyes, their ways had parted and she'd methodically removed every last trace of him from her life until nothing remained. A clean break, the wounds as deep and precise as the mark of a scalpel. It was little Harry Byrne who deserved the sympathy, fate had been cruel enough to take away both his parents.

The phone shattered the silence as it called out shrilly. "Ms Naylor speaking." She answered mechanically, any hints of emotions successfully hidden.

"Jac, it's Elliot-" The bumbling professor replied. "You left before I had a chance to speak to you, how are you holding up?"

"Fine. Why wouldn't I be?" She sighed, sensing the exhaustion in her colleague's voice. "I suppose I should be inquiring how you are?"

"I can't seem to take it in-" He was quiet for a lengthy moment. "He meant a lot to me, Jac. I know the same applies to you. He was so young…"

It was now Jac's turn to pause. She closed her eyes tightly, glad that no one was around to witness her lapse of control. "The bloody idiot." She forced a clumsy laugh and then sniffed. "I suppose you'll be going to funeral?"

"I'd like a chance to say my goodbye. I never would've thought it would come to this." Elliot spoke softly. "In many respects I saw him as a son, I always reckoned that I'd be gone long before it was his time."

"Right." She cleared her throat in an attempt to stop the wavering of her voice. "Take some flowers for me, I don't feel as if I'd be welcome. The last Byrne funeral I showed my face at didn't go well."

"I'm sure he'd want you there…" Elliot started before trailing off, perhaps it would be best to avoid the probable conflicts. "Take the opportunity to visit his grave."

"I'll see if I can find the time." She replied stoically which drew a sigh from the professor's mouth. Forcing her voice to remain level she continued. "How much do you know about it?"

He stumbled over his words, aware the conversation had drifted from the funeral. "I've been assured it was very quick. Almost instant… He wouldn't have felt much pain. I- er- it was an RTC, he suffered a massive trauma to his head. Skidded on some ice. Jennifer said the back roads were treacherous."

Jac sniffed again, cursing the moisture which threatened to fall from her eyes. Steeling herself, she spoke with spite. "How is the unicorn bride? Happy to be receiving her chunk of the Byrne wealth?"

"Don't be so cynical." Elliot chided her softly. "She's devastated, I do believe they loved each other. A different affection to what he showed you but love just the same."

A choked laugh spluttered from her mouth. "Lucky girl. I don't know what I meant to him."

"You were precious to him." He spoke with a kindly sternness. "Don't let yourself forget that. Mourn for him, Jac. This isn't something you can shut away."

With a poorly suppressed groan of anguish a tear to rolled down her porcelain cheek. "Goodbye, Elliot."

"Goodbye." He sighed dolefully. "Take care of yourself."

She nodded to herself and then froze as she felt a niggling surge of emotion stopping her from ending the call. "Elliot?"

"Yes?" He implored tenderly

"I'm sorry."

She hung up in the confused silence which followed the two heavy words and allowed the phone to fall to the ground, the resounding clatter resonating with finality. One by one tears raced down her sculptured cheekbones until her vision became blurred and her skull throbbed with an unrelenting dull ache. _This wasn't right! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! _She clenched her hands into fists to ignore the screaming inside her head she forced herself to move, slowly dragging each foot in front of each other to reach her bathroom. She lifted her bowed head and her eyes locked with her blotchy eyed reflection and she gripped tightly onto the sink. A sob escaped her followed by a piercing shriek of torment. _No! _The broken woman in the mirror stared, wide eyed, back at her.

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**I started writing this without being entirely sure where it was going (I now have a _slightly_ clearer idea) so I'd love to know what people think! Please review, let me know if it's worth updating so I can decide if I should bother continuing, I'm open to constructive criticism :) Thank you! **


	2. Chapter 2

It was a little past three in the morning when the red-haired consultant finally fell into a fitful sleep. Her hair splayed on the stark white pillows like a crimson halo, her gaunt frame curled up as if decreasing her size would rid her from her thoughts. On the bedside cabinet stood a wine glass, next to it an empty bottle.

A small groan left her mouth as she rolled onto her side. With an ethereal quality he crept into her dreams.

_The sun shone brightly from the sky, refusing to hide behind the feathering of light clouds. The organised bustle which accompanied the hospital was in full flow, relatives dotted around in various degrees of misery and staff darting from one task to another._

_With a soft sigh she sat down on the bench which offered a direct view to the Wyvern entrance, watching with mild interest as a patient was received from the waiting ambulance before it efficiently turned away. _

_Once the vehicle had moved she was free to see through the doors with an unobstructed view. Porters passed like ghosts as they ferried their cargo. Ah, and there he was. Standing close to the lift looking thoroughly uncomfortable as Sam Strachan talked animatedly. A smirk crept onto her face, no doubt he was receiving a detailed recall of the rival registrar's most recent carnal infatuation. _

_His dark hair sat floppily on top of his head, the style somehow emphasising his inexperience based vulnerability. Beneath the white coat (which seemed to function as a second skin whenever he was applying his vocation) he wore a neatly laundered suit, the style simple but obviously a make of quality. A stethoscope hung naturally from his neck. _

_She glanced down at her watch, widening her eyes as she registered the time. She'd spent longer on her lunch than she'd thought. Reluctantly she pushed herself back onto her feet- an afternoon in theatre suddenly became a lot less attractive when Mr Jordan was added to the equation. _

_Sparing a brief look to avoid being ploughed down she darted across the road, slowing to a walk while gracing the security by the door with a patronising smile. "Hold the doors!" She called, slipping into the lift just before the metal sheets slid shut._

_She held back the smirk which threatened to appear on her face as he shuffled uncomfortably. Sam stood behind them, shooting Joseph a look of smug amusement. _

"_Good afternoon, Miss Naylor." He cleared his throat, straightening the edge of his white coat. "Nice lunch?"_

"_Yes, thank you Mr Byrne." She turned her head as she returned the niceties, a hint of mirth in her voice. "Perfectly pleasant."_

"_Good. That's good to here." He nodded, ducking his head in a stiff fashion. "Mr Hope often finds time to remind me that a good lunch is a necessity for a good day."_

_She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, sensing Strachan's eyes on her. Despite Joseph's large range of oddities she found herself inexplicably drawn to him. Of course he was a good contact to know if she wanted to get into the right circles, her career wasn't progressing at quite the pace she'd hoped for and a favourable light in the eyes of his father could be just what she needed to haul herself up to the next rung. _

_Her career was what she had to focus on. Nick's arrival had thrown a spanner in the works and her new start wasn't quite the clean slate she'd been hoping for. She needed to keep her head down and work, if she decided to take things further with Mr Byrne then it should be purely for the professional benefits. _

_With this in mind she stepped out of the lift as the doors opened to reveal Keller. She turned around to nod, her eyes lingering on him before she forced a smile. "Well thank you for that inspiring insight. I'll catch up with you later."_

_She watched with raised as eyebrows as he opened his mouth to reply, managing a flustered garble as the doors slinked shut._

_Shaking her head to herself with an amused smirk she turned around and walked to the Nurses' Station, reaching for the phone as the piercing noise penetrated through the gabbled streams of conversation from the ward._

With a start her eyes flew open. The persistent shrill of her phone sending stabs of pain through her head. Moaning quietly she stumbled to pick up the handset. It had just been a dream, whoever was on the other side of the line was likely to face her wrath for making her face reality.

"Ms Naylor speaking." She barked, holding the phone an inch away from her ear as she tried to ignore her splitting headache.

"Where the hell are you!?" Came an irritated Scottish squawk. _Great. _She sighed impatiently. _This was just what she needed._

"You dialled my home number, I answered. It doesn't take a genius to join the dots." She replied waspishly.

"I mean why you aren't at work?" He responded swiftly. She scowled into space, detecting the hint of glee which seemed to enter his voice whenever he was given the chance to criticise her actions. "You were supposed to be in two hours ago! We're snowed under here-"

"Alright!" She snapped, bringing an end to his inane rambling. Her eyes flickered to her clock and she clenched her hands into fists, _bloody hell_, she must've slept through her alarms. "I'll be there as soon as I can, I assume you can cope until then?"

"You sound rough." The nurse cleared his throat, his tone caught somewhere between irritation and concern. "Are you fit to work?"

This brought a laugh from her mouth. The noise sharp and unfeeling, quickly dissipating until only a cold chill remained. "I really don't need a substandard nurse questioning my competency."

"Fine!" He snarled in frustration, speaking quickly with a burst of passion "But you know what? You're digging your own grave, Jac. At some point you're going to have to lie in it."

She clenched her hands into fist, trying to supress the red wave of anger which was threatening to spill over. "That's a helpful insightful from the nurse who's determined to end his career by picking a fight with the CEO." She paused, walking to her cabinet to remove the empty bottle of wine. "I'll be in shortly, anymore smart remarks and I'll make it my personal business to ensure the day you receive your P45 is brought forwards." Before he had chance to respond she hung up, tossing the phone down onto the bed with unnecessary force.

She sighed to herself as she took a moment to survey the mess that had accumulated. Methodically she started to restore order, forcing every twinge of emotion from her mind.

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**Sorry, I'm awful at updating quickly! This is a result of last night's insomnia so I'm sorry if it makes no sense, at the moment I don't feel entirely happy with either chapter. As always reviews are appreciated because I'm awful at updating without motivation, any suggestions would be lovely :) x**

**It would be lovely if I could get a few reviews before I update but it's by no means a necessity **

**Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

The entirety of Darwin's workforce had noticed a difference in their flame headed leader. The bags under her eyes couldn't be hidden by even the most expensive makeup but it appeared she hadn't even made an effort to hide her weariness.

Her brash manner was something everyone had become accustomed to but instead of a public dressing down current mistakes were greeted by a sigh of irritation and a sharp word or two- nothing compared to her previous humiliation inducing displays.

Jonny Maconie sat at the chair behind the dated computer, his eyes following his colleague from his perch at the Nurses' Station.

"She doesn't seem right, you know?" He voiced his concern aloud to Mo, the occupant of the other chair.

This was greeted from a role of his friend's eyes. "You're prying!" She warned him in a melodical tone. "She's not going to like that."

"I'm being serious!" His voice raised an octave. "Something's up. Do you think I should say something?"

"I think you should stick your nose out of where it's not wanted before you end up facing frosty-knicker's wrath." Mo replied sagely. "You're playing with fire, Jonny Mac."

This elicited a sigh from the nurse. "You don't understand, it was like she'd completely forgotten she was supposed to be working! Since when does _Jac Bloody Naylor_ forget about a chance to crack open someone's ribs?"

"I don't know!" She replied, exasperation seeping in to her voice. If she was brutally honest she was growing a little tired of her friend's clumsy attempts to analyse the situation. "Maybe she's got a cold?"

"Jac doesn't do ill." He dismissed her theory promptly. "I mean she sounded rough on the phone but it's got to be something more than that-"

His theorising was drawn short by the sight of the consultant striding over towards where they both sat. Mo swivelled around quickly, spectacularly bypassing subtlety as she pretended to stare towards the blank computer screen.

Jonny cleared his throat and fumbled to fill the awkward silence, left in the lurch by Mo's dramatics. "As I was saying, cheese and pickle does make a good sandwich-"

"Nurse Maconie, perhaps if you could focus on emptying bedpans instead of thinking about your stomach then this please would look a little less like a dump." Her voice cut sharply. "I'd also suggest you have a word with the plethora of blonde bimbos you're supposed to be leading, it seems grasping the concept of half hourly observations is above their skill set."

He ducked his head in a quick nod, half leaping to his feet. While he wasn't overly pleased with her tone he was aware he was faring a hell of a lot better than he would be if Jac had caught wind of what he'd been discussing. "Of course, Ms Naylor." He replied through gritted teeth, forcing a patient smile. "Anything else you'd like to add?"

A scathing look was aimed with precision in his direction before she turned silently and strode away.

The Scot's expression contorted in confusion as he watched the consultant turn on her heel, departing as if there was an urgent matter she'd only just remembered. "Was it something I said?" He looked towards his friend, his pitch shooting upwards in exasperation.

Maureen sighed, shrugging her shoulders loosely as she observed the hasty exit.

Conversations hushed as the doctor strode past in the way that had become accustomed. She was something to be wary of, that was common hospital knowledge. Jac Naylor didn't do friends.

By the time she'd reached her office a lump of unfamiliar emotion had caught in her throat, threatening to make her eyes prickle with the moisture which was in her nature to deny.

She allowed the door to swing shut heavily, feeling a momentary flicker of satisfaction as the wooden frame trembled, bouncing on its flimsy hinges.

The brief gratification was gone within seconds and the deep sitting unease returned in full force, egging her heart into a faster rhythm, a sheen of sweat creeping over her.

"Get a grip, Naylor." She muttered. _God, _now she was talking to herself. A nervous peal of hysteric laughter escaped her lips and she forced her eyelids tighter shut, shaking her head in disbelief. She took a deep breath, muscles she wasn't previously aware she'd been tensing, relaxing as she demanded control over her body.

And then he was there again. His soft voice somehow managed to block out everything else. She clenched her hands into her fists and kept her eyes closed with a cold determination. Once she opened them he would leave again.

"I brought a cup of coffee for you." A half smile replaced the harsh line on her face. "Don't be offended, it's just I believe you told me it was a surgeon's diesel. "

"Joe, you're a life saver." The words bubbled naturally to her lips and her features softened.

"Take care of yourself, Jac."

She frowned, not understanding his sudden seriousness. The atmosphere had changed. A sense of unease swept over her body.

Her eyes flew open. The office was empty.

Her heart fluttered nervously and she moved to the rarely used sofa, her body functioning on autopilot while her mind went into overdrive. She leant forwards, placing her head in her hands. Breath flooded sharply into her lungs- the rhythm picking up frantically. The tightness in her chest made her head spin, she was drowning.

She shook her head and forced a deep breath. This wasn't her. She didn't lose control like this. But he'd been with her just a moment ago- his words still echoed in her ears-

No! She growled to herself. He wasn't here, he was lying cold on some slab like a bloody idiot. Soon he'd be nothing more than a pile of ashes. There was no sugar coating that.

She was pulled violently from her thoughts by a sharp knock on the door.

"Busy!" She snapped, slowing her rapid breathing enough to get the words out.

Infuriatingly the door still opened and she darted to her feet, her eyes wide and panicked from being interrupted during a moment of weakness.

The Scottish nurse froze in the doorframe, an equal look of surprise on his face. He frowned and shut the door softly behind him. He took an unsure step towards her, gesturing to the steaming cup he'd fetched from the canteen.

"I got you this, thought you could do with it-" His voice trailed off as his eyes followed the consultant closely. "What's going on, Jac?"

Her eyes snapped to the coffee and her chest constricted uncomfortably. "Get out." She muttered.

"Hey, come on- !" He moved to walk forward, holding out the hot drink.

"I said get out!"

He closed his mouth and swayed backwards, standing with his back against the door. "Talk to me, Jac." He spoke with a soft insistence.

She rubbed her fingers together anxiously, meeting his request with a stoic silence.

"I can tell something's up." He pressed on, his stupid, caring eyes trapping her.

"Know when to give up." She spoke bitterly, her breathing hitching with emotion. She clenched her hands loathingly into fists. Her nails dug into her palms.

He frowned as he heard the emotion twist her voice. He tilted his head, briefly considering various scenarios which could've caused the Ice Queen to thaw. "It must be something big?"

"Leave it." What had supposed to be a demand left her mouth sounding like a plea.

"I can't." He replied softly. Apologetically. "Come on, Jac. Time to talk."

She eyed the exit he was blocking with desperation. He looked at her with the compassion which was supposedly required in their profession and offered the coffee to her once more.

Slowly she closed the gap between them and wrapped her fingers around the lukewarm cup.

He looked towards her with a silent understanding.

"He's dead, Jonny." She locked eyes with him. "How am I supposed to accept that?"

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**Happy Easter! I'm sorry for being so awful at updating, I hope this is okay. Please review! :) **


	4. Chapter 4

Confusion passed over the face of the male nurse. Firstly, he was surprised that she'd even allowed what was troubling her to spill from her lips. His previous attempts to see how the icy woman ticked had all been certain failures.

He cocked his head, moving on to try and suss the situation. "Jac..." He paused. His voice had trailed into nothingness as he took a moment to survey the woman in front of him. Over the years he'd known he'd known her, he'd grown familiar with her body, every freckle and scar, no matter how intimate, was catalogued in his memory. But he rarely saw her like this. There was pain in her eyes, of this he was certain. "Who died?" The words felt heavy and forcing them from his mouth tired him, a sigh swiftly followed as he saw the reaction he'd caused in her eyes. For a moment her gaze met his before she sharply turned her head, staring stubbornly at the floor.

"It doesn't matter." The words fell flat. "It doesn't matter to me. I'm fine."

"That's a lie." He pressed softly, expecting a volatile reaction. "You're not yourself, Jac."

Suddenly she was hissing, a torrent of angry words spat in his direction. "And how would you know? How the hell would you know, Jonny!? You don't know me. You gave up on me!"

"Hey-!" He reached out. Softly, he placed a hand on her arm. This was different from her normal defence mechanism. Sure, she was trying her hardest to hit out at him, scare him off, but at the same time the woman beneath the ice plated armour was clear to see. "I'm trying to help, Jac." His softly spoken words juxtaposed her angry snarl. "I'm not giving up on you now. Who died?"

This time the repeated question was met by a troubled silence. With a sharp intake of breath she lifted her head to look towards him. He froze, standing as still as a stone as he allowed her to scan his expression. He barely dared to breathe- it felt as if the smallest movement would be enough to spook her, like a wild fawn, and cause her walls to smash back up. It wasn't until her eyes flickered down to his hand which lightly caressed her arm until words finally left her mouth.

"Joseph Byrne."

The world seem to freeze as air flooded into her lungs and out with a dizzying pace. She stumbled back one step, and then another, breaking the tenuous contact she'd had with her previous partner. She couldn't bare the look on his face, it reminded her of the mask he wore when talking to the most vulnerable of their patients. It was kind, it was compassionate, hell it was almost understanding. It made her feel broken.

"Don't." The word fell out wrong, it was heavy and the way her tone twisted and broke would only draw him further in.

Another layer of concern filtered into his eyes as she choked out the singular word. He tilted his head. Normally, he had no trouble talking, he could happily chat away the most boring of graveyard shifts if he had a decent companion. He brought the hand which no longer held her arm up to his chin, rubbing it as he tried to summon the correct words. "Don't what, Jac? Come on, sit down, calm down now-"

He took a step towards her and she balked, her back against the wall. Her eyes were scrunched shut, acute pain on her face. He watched with growing concern.

She tried to slow her rapid gasping, appalled by the lack of control. She closed her eyes to hide Jonny's shocked expression. Ah- slowly the rising and falling of her chest reached an acceptable level. He was standing close by.

"Don't get yourself worked up." Joseph scolded gently. "That's my job, remember?"

Jonny frowned as he watched Jac's panic stricken expression smoothen out into an almost smile.

"Sorry." She said the words lightly, with a hint of mirth.

Jonny's frown deepened- he didn't understand. "Jac?" He called her name softly, daring to take another step closer.

"Careful." Joseph murmured to close to her ear. His voice was soft and smooth, like velvet or honey. She kept her eyes shut, Jonny at the back of her mind as she clung to the delusion. "You're worrying the nurse. You do surprise me, I never would've thought he was your type."

"And what is my type? Anal retentive heart surgeons, Joe?" She whispered, closing her eyes tighter as her heart lurched while she considered the scene Jonny was watching.

"Shh!" Now there was worry and sorrow in the fellow doctor's voice. "You can't keep on doing this, Jac. I'm sorry- I'm so sorry. You'll be okay in the end."

Her eyes flew open. Jonny stood least than a meter in front of her. "What was that?" He stared into the depths of her emerald eyes. "What were you saying?"

She gulped. "Nothing. You can go now." She pushed herself away from the wall and attempted to dart away from him.

"No-" He shook his head, taking hold of her arm with a grip that caused her no physical harm but prevented her from achieving the escape she'd been striving towards. He spoke again with a kind sternness. "You need to talk. You can try and push me away all you like but I'm not going to leave." He swallowed apprehensively. "Speak to me. I will not allow you to bottle this up, you hear me?"

She looked towards the hand which gripped her arm with wide eyes. She felt uneasy around Jonny while he was this determined, with a quick shake of her head she snarled. "Out of all people, why would I tell a Nurse?"

The snide remark bounced off him and he smiled. Then chuckled. She winced as she heard the sound, he must've been expecting her to react this way. "Because we have history, Jac." He spoke with a softness that hurt.

She wished he'd scream at her, at least then she'd be able to understand.

"I've seen behind that great big ice queen façade. You're a brilliant actress." He paused for a moment, his eyes flickering over her face as he tried to interpret her reaction. "But I can see through it, you know? I know, deep down, who you really are." He swallowed again, uncomfortably as he spotted the signs of the woman, who loved to pretend she was infallible, was crumbling. "I know you're hurting."

"Don't!" The words didn't sound like her own. They sounded desperate and pleading and everything she despised. There was an uncomfortable lump in her throat that prickled and caused her eyes to shine with unshed tears. "I am fine!" The first tear spilled over, forming a painfully ironic track across her porcelain skin.

He took a moment, carefully considering, before he guided her to the seldom used sofa. He sat down and gently pulled her next to him. The world outside the office door had been completely forgotten.

She allowed him to lead her as a familiar numbness started to creep over her body. She didn't have the energy to force him to leave, in terms of stubbornness he almost encroached on her title

"You're not fine." He mumbled against her hair, pulling her against his chest. "But that's okay. No one would expect you to be able to shrug this off."

She sniffed, finally giving in as she allowed him to soothe her. She'd been aching for this, the company of another human, someone who could help her with the burden. Of course, that was something she never would have admitted.

He took hold of her hand, playing absentmindedly with it as he talked, gently bending her nimble digits. He had always loved her hands, they were the tools of her trade, they saved countless lives. "You are going to get through this though, I know you will."

She turned her head, hiding her face she burrowed it against his chest. He started to softly rub her back.

"You and Joseph were pretty serious." He commented, listening out for her reaction.

When she finally spoke the words were muffled. Her body shuddered with a shaky breath, she felt blood rush closer to the surface of her cheeks. "I didn't know love before I met him."

He sighed sadly, he knew that life has been less than fair on her. "Och, Jac. What are we going to do with you?" He looked down at the woman who lay against him. He hadn't seen her like this before. Had Joseph ever seen the woman they both cared for broken like this? He exhaled loudly as he considered the dead man who'd so successfully crumbled the consultant's defences.

Jac remained in silence, the visible evidence of her surge of emotion in the process of fading away. Eventually she broke the silence with a sigh. "The ward needs me."

Jonny relinquished his hold on her frame but still shook his head in disapproval. He spoke carefully, testing the water. "I don't think that's your best idea."

"Excuse me?" She arched an eyebrow pointedly, her reply immediate. "Are you questioning my professional capability?"

He held his hands up in an attempt to smooth the situation over. "No, no, of course not. I was just thinking that perhaps you'd be a wee bit more comfortable at home? It's been a tough day." He smiled nervously.

"My shift hasn't finished. Why on earth would I leave now?" She'd sprung to her feet and now stood in front of him, hands on hips, her walls firmly up.

"Because-" The nurse's voice twisted incredulously, his eyes large with exasperation and disbelief. "You're clearly not okay!"

A flicker of emotion passed over her features, faster than he could read. "I've told you, I'm fine." She spoke through gritted teeth, spitting out her most used lie.

He had to give her credit, if he hadn't seen her early display he would've fallen for it. He must've registered the simple words as truth dozens of times before. After all, her act was well rehearsed. "Stop lying to me." Sternness entered his tone. He took a deep breath to prepare himself. The words left his mouth quickly, tumbling out with passion and nerves. "You were mumbling, talking to him, Jac! How do you think that bloody looked? I know that you're hurting!"

She flinched, meeting his eyes with a stoic silence. He grimaced, his tone becoming a little softer as he observed.

"If anyone else had seen that-" He sighed, looking to the floor as he shook his head. "Well it's just, people aren't that understanding. You know?"

"Understanding of what, Jonny?" There was a distinct lack of emotion in her voice, judging by his reaction he was unnerved.

"You're grieving." He spoke carefully, his tone level. "A certain... lack of rationality is expected."

"I thought everyone already knew." Her hands clenched into tight fists and she turned her head to stare at the door, her escape route. Her voice became louder, twisted by bitterness. "I'm bonkers, Jonny. Everyone has always said it. I'm fucking crazy!"

"No, no-" He mumbled and tried to reach her, his eyes wide and expression shocked. "No one thinks that!"

But it was too late. She forced the door open, allowing it bang heavily against the wall then bounce on its hinges. Her eyes met his briefly before she turned away, breathing out shakily as she made her exit.

He watched her fiery hair flicker over her shoulder as she fled the office, before sinking down on the sofa. He leant forwards and put his head in his hands, a stream of profanities crossing his mind.

Mo cleared her throat from her position in the open door frame.

He flinched, quickly lifting his head. He sighed in relief once he realised it had only been his friend who'd been lurking.

"Blood hell, Mo." He brought a hand up to his chin, rubbing the stubble in a state of unease. "How long, exactly, have you been standing there?"

"Since the ginger twiglet stormed out." She crossed the threshold and sat next to him on the sofa which he'd previously occupied with Jac.

Unlike the other woman, Mo was easy to read. He half smiled. Being with Jac was so draining, a constant uphill struggle. Mo was simple and kind and nice. Her company offered a well needed spot of relaxation. "You couldn't have said anything sooner?"

"I could've." She tilted her head with a lazy smirk. "But you were doing a brilliant job of maintaining your position. I was judging whether you'd be a serious threat in an Effanga family musical statues tournament."

He shook his head with a laugh he was unable to prevent. "Oh shut up, mate."

Mo's smile slipped a little as she watched. "I trust your little intervention didn't go to plan?"

Jonny sighed, looking around the impersonalised office. "I was getting somewhere, I really was! But then she just closed up and I'm back at square one."

"Some people just can't be helped." She looked out through the door frame to the ward. After a moment she summoned her smile to return, leaning back to look at Jonny with a smug smirk. "You know I'd hate to say I told you so?"

Jonny rolled his eyes with an uncomfortable smile. "Of course you would."

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**Thank you for reading! I hope everyone has a lovely bank holiday, even if the weather is awful.**

**If you have time, please review, I appreciate each one! :) **


	5. Chapter 5

**It's been ages since I last updated, so apologies for that! I hope you enjoy :) Please review **

* * *

Her pale, slender fingers gripped the takeaway coffee cup. The drink inside had long since turned cold. With a stab of irritation she stuffed the rubbish into a nearby overflowing bin, the coffee had tasted like dirt and it hadn't fulfilled its purpose of warming her up.

Despite the fact her shift had ended hours ago she couldn't bring herself to journey home. Instead she'd found herself in a local park. The trees had long since lost their leaves and their bare branches stuck out harshly, creating emaciated shadows in the unnatural orange light of the streetlamps. People hurried by, Christmas shopping in hand and coats pulled close as they braved the biting cold.

She scowled as a dog wandered over to the bench where she sat. To her irritation it sniffed around by her bag, its tail wagging.

"Shoo!" She hissed, feeling a pang of jealousy at how little it took to make the animal happy.

The dog sat and stared.

Jac looked back, an eyebrow raised. "Stupid mutt."

The dog tilted its head, an expectant look in its eyes.

"What do you what?" She asked, rolling her eyes to herself as she briefly considered how the interaction may look to any passers-by.

Unsurprisingly no answer was provided.

"Shoo!" She repeated herself, pulling her bag bad-temperedly away from the canine. "Go back to where you came from, you're not getting anything from me."

The animal's large eyes stared back.

With an irritated sigh Jac pushed herself to her feet. The near zero temperature caused her bones to ache and a shiver shook through her body. After glaring at the dog she relented, picking up a stick with numb fingers and tossing it in the direction the creature had arrived from.

"Idiot animal." She muttered to herself as she watched it chase the stick. Swiftly she put her bag on her shoulder, deciding it was probably time to find a different bench where she was less likely to be disturbed by the strays of Holby.

Head down, she trudged in-between the trees. The buzzing of phone brought her to an abrupt stop and with numb fingers she fumbled to retrieve the device from her pocket. The caller ID flashed up: Jonny Maconie. With less than a second of consideration she declined the call. She'd spent the majority of her day avoiding him after his attempt at an intervention in her office. An interfering nurse with a misplaced sense of duty was the last thing she needed.

Predictably it wasn't long before he rang again, yet again to be declined after the first ring. '_Know when to give up'._ She thought bitterly, staring down at her phone screen.

"Jac…" Joseph's voice flooded into her mind. "He's only trying to help."

She gasped and wheeled around, desperately searching for the source of the voice. A magpie squawked and flapped out from a tree then silence fell. The area was devoid of any life other than herself.

"I don't want his help." She spoke defiantly, her eyes flickering around searchingly.

He spoke again, the sound sending her heart into a frantic flutter. "That doesn't mean you don't need it. Get over your goddamn pride, Jac. Accept that he cares for you."

"I don't want him to care." She whispered hollowly, leaning against the nearest tree with her eyes squeezed tightly closed. "I want you, Joe."

This time he took longer to reply, and when he spoke his voice was gravely. "Jacqueline Naylor, you are better than this." Joseph's voice insisted. "You are too good to be ruined by this. You need to move on from me."

Quietly she ran her hands over her face, her breath catching in her throat. "Joe-?"

"No, Jac. You need to let go!" His voice grew louder, shaking in the way it used to when he spoke on something he felt passionate about.

She sniffed, shaking her head to herself. When she tried to reply her voice failed, the only sound she could produce was a cracked whisper. "You can't leave me…"

Her heart sank like a stone as her phone vibrated again, causing the sense of Joseph's presence to snap away. Her eyes flew open and she glared down at her phone, her hands trembling with anger. Jonny Maconie. The name shone up at her tauntingly. With a shriek she hurled her phone at the nearest tree, her chest rising and falling heavily as she watched it bounce off then fall to the ground, the screen smashed.

"Idiot!" She shouted out loud, beyond caring if anyone saw. "Why did you have to be so stupid? Why did you have to die!?"

The deafening silence made angry tears prick in her eyes. Suddenly it was too much to bear. She tore through the wood, ignoring the sting from the scratches of branches against her skin. He knew he was close by- just out of reach. Her head span with a terrifying dizziness.

She came to a stop as she reached a busy road, panting desperately from breath. The cold air seemed to stick in her throat and choke her. Her hair fell down in messy strands and a growing accumulation of tears threatened to escape from her eyes.

"Stop this." Joseph's voice scolded her. He sounded distant, the words only just audible.

Her breath hitched in shock, her eyes scanning the area for him desperately.

"I mean it, Jac." His voice drifted further and further away. "You need to let go."

"No-" She whispered in protest, brushing past people on the bustling pavement as she searched. Her breathing quickened in distress as he didn't reply. Ignoring the shouts of protest she pushed against the general direction of footfall, looking through the crowd for him.

And there he was. His beautiful brown hair, his loving eyes. It was as if the world had been put on mute as she stared towards him. Everything slowed down, the only thing that mattered was _him._ For a glorious moment it was as if he'd never left, as if he'd never been absent from her life. She stared towards him with wide eyes, scared to even blink in case he would disappear into the crowd.

"Joe?" She called out, stepping forward. A half smile appeared on her face as she thought about how naturally his name flowed from her mouth. The concept of soul mates was a matter she'd always been sceptical of, but as she looked towards him it was hard to describe him as anything else. She broke into a jog, her eyes looked with his.

As his expression changed to one of anguish and she frowned. What could be wrong? They were back together. Did he not want her anymore? Had he found someone better? Doubt entered her heart and weighed her down.

"No, Jac! No!" His words reached her as a muffled shout.

Realisation hit her, a look of pure fear on her face. She turned to the side and time suddenly sped up. The last thing she saw was the horrified look of a bus driver as his vehicle ploughed into her. There was darkness. And then there was nothing.

* * *

_She stood in the kitchen with their 18 month old daughter balanced on her hip, her spare hand rested on the ever growing bump of their second pregnancy. The idiotic dog lay happily between them, content in the company of both its masters. A subconscious half smile spread across her lips as she watched Joseph cook, listening to him sing while he worked._

"_You sound like a strangled cat." She commented teasingly. "You'll scare the children."_

_He spun around, feigning offence. "So harsh, you've crushed my dreams." He moved closer to their daughter, taking hold of one of her tiny, perfectly formed hands. "You like my singing, don't you sweetheart?"_

"_Of course she doesn't." Jac answered for her. "She's my daughter, she has more refined taste."_

_Joseph smiled and leant in, his lips brushing softly against Jac's. "You're lucky I love you, Jacqueline Naylor-Byrne." _

_She returned the kiss then gently pulled away, staring deep into his warm eyes._

"_Hm." She hummed, looking around the kitchen at their domestic bliss. "What did I do to deserve you?"_

_He pulled her close into hug, running his fingers through her long, silky hair. "Come here, you soppy thing. I'm never letting you go."_

_Jac smiled to herself, knowing that with him she was truly happy._

* * *

The next thing she was aware of was someone incessantly shaking her shoulder. She squeezed her eyelids tighter shut before forcing them open. Her vision was blurred and her head span, specks of darkness impeding what she saw. It was cold, and she was in pain; of that much she was certain.

"Jac? Jac, can you hear me? Stay with us." A vaguely familiar voice instructed.

Hesitantly she cleared her throat, testing out her voice. "Wh-what?" She groaned indignantly as a light was flashed in her eyes.

"It's okay, you're safe. Do you know where you are?"

She squinted up at the owner of the voice, struggling to put a name to the face. She made an attempt to shake her head only to discover the movement was restricted. Her face screwed up in pain and she was unable to suppress the agonised whimper which flowed from her lips.

"Keep still, Jac." The voice sounded increasingly concerned. "You're in hospital, Holby City ED." Connie Beauchamp turned her head to the side, speaking quietly. "Let's hurry these scans up."

Shakily she sighed and her eyes slid shut, feeling multiple hands on her body. A searing pain unrelentingly shot through her skull. The dull background noise of beeping machinery sent regular stabs of pain through her head.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Connie questioned, a hand on her shoulder.

"No." Jac groaned uneasily. Memories flooded back and made her stomach twist uncomfortably. "Joseph-?"

"Witnesses said you stepped out in the road." Connie replied factually, then faltered. "I'm sorry to hear about Mr Byrne."

"Where is he?" She whispered, her hands clenching into fists. "Where-?" Her eyes flickered open once more and she looked towards Connie pleadingly. "Find him for me."

A shared awkward look spread around Resus before Connie spoke, choosing her words hesitantly. "Joseph died, Jac… I'm so sorry."

Once again everything went black.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, please review and let me know what you think! **


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